This 4th of July It’s Time to Declare Our Independence, Again

Something tragic has happened in America. We currently face a threat inside our own borders that we’ve not had to face in a long time. No, I’m not talking about Muslim extremists. This enemy is far older, at least for us here in the States.

I’m talking of course about the British. They’re no longer coming, they’re already here. Don’t believe me? This really is an insidious plot that went almost unnoticed, but I’m here to reveal it to the world. This 4th of July it’s time to declare our independence once again.

Independence from people like Gordon Ramsey who is making a fortune on screaming and cursing at Americans and telling us we don’t know how to cook. When was the last time you heard anyone say “Hey, let’s go eat British tonight.” I’m pretty sure that sentence has never been uttered. You know why? Because British food sucks.

Independence from Jaime Oliver who thinks he needs to be the food police and tell us how to feed our children. So what if America’s youth are starting to look like puffer fish? It’s really part of a secret strategy to have plenty of fat stores in preperation for the coming food insecurity issues that will face the world in coming years.

Independence from the people on Super Nanny. They enjoy telling Americans that they don’t know how to raise their own kids. Anyone ever seen the nannies’ kids? I question whether or not they have children of their own. And have you seen most of the women on that show? Perhaps Jaime Oliver should head back across the Atlantic and offer some food advice to his fellow Britains.

Then of course there is Simon Cowell. He’s been on American TV for nearly a decade hurling insults at our tone deaf youth and telling them they don’t know how to sing. Has anyone ever heard Simon Cowell sing? I thought not. I believe his overly critical attitude towards vocalists is a way of trying to cope with his own failed aspirations as a singer.

Is this really what our forefathers died for? Wasn’t their blood shed in order to give us freedom from these bossy Brits? The worst part is that American money is filling the bank accounts of these unwanted Englishmen. Wasn’t that the main point of the American Revolution, to avoid giving Britain our hard earned money? Now we do it willingly. For shame America. Somewhere buried in the earth, what’s left of George Washington’s decaying corpse is shedding a metaphorical tear. This 4th of July assert your independence and reclaim your freedom by turning off these television programs. It’s the Patriotic thing to do.